Dealing with the Parental Loss

Parental loss, still loved

Odele’s parents separated when she was around nine months old, so she has no memory of them ever being in a loving relationship. This did not stop her, but in fact, pushed her independence.

Born in the Canberra Hospital in 1987, Odele grew up in the suburb of Narrabundah. Located in the inner south of Canberra, she has one sister, seven years older than her.

Now 32-years-old, Odele does not have many memories of her Dad. The memories she has are those of fondness and joy. She remembers him being fun and there were always people around. Although surrounded by people, he put on a happy face, but in his mind, he was in a dark place. A place he felt he could not escape.

When Odele was seven years old, her Dad committed suicide.

The only sign he gave that he wanted to die was telling his twin brother to look after his daughters for him. His brother never thought he would go through with it, so there was no help sought. His death crushed the family, leaving a hole in both of his daughter’s hearts.

Odele’s relationship with her mum was rocky. They butted heads a lot, arguing over everything, small, medium and large. Even though it would appear there was a lot of hatred between them, there was a lot of love. Love is something her mum never showed Odele and her sister, which is something they truly needed, through hugs, kisses or words.

Her mum’s upbringing may have been the reason for this lack of affection. Her mum had not been given the love she needed. She never learnt how to show her children the love she felt for them. Isn’t love what we all want to feel?

Odele felt her mum was not typical, like the mum’s who dropped their children at school, volunteered in the school canteen or took their kids to sports games or the movies. She often wondered why her mum could not be the same as other mums.

Her mum suffered from mental health issues and substance abuse. Odele knew she did not want to follow the same path as her mother – she could make it on her own: confident, independent and happy.

In April 2019, Odele’s mum passed away. After losing touch for several years, Odele felt guilty. She felt some things were not done to help her with her problems. The family was unaccepting of her and distant because of her alcoholism and undiagnosed mental illness. They felt she chose alcohol over her children and grandchildren, and there were concerns she would be an embarrassment at family events by making it awkward or creating a scene. Odele’s mum was simply left out. It was easier that way.

After the passing of her mum, Odele felt a great sadness. But, strangely enough, she also felt a connection to her mother; sensing her there and accepting her apology from the ‘other side’. Very aware that drinking can become a very big problem, Odele considered giving up alcohol completely but realised she did not have a problem and only has a social drink.

Odele started making changes when her mum was alive, like obtaining a permanent full-time job.

Odele remains a driven person, which she believes stems from not having parental figures and having to be independent throughout her life. Wanting to keep fit, Odele maintains a healthy diet, with the occasional treat. She got a gym membership and attends four days a week.

A few years ago, Odele got a blue English Staffordshire Terrier named Harley. Harley is spirited and Odele’s companion and best friend. Harley is also her motivation to go for a walk every day. When Odele attends the gym or takes Harley for a walk, she feels good about herself - a sense of freedom and love of life.