How to Have a Healthy Relationship?

Relationship lessons from my first love

10 May 2020

I was to know her later as ‘V’ (pronounced ‘we’), for that’s what her friends called her. It was a few weeks into my first job, when I saw her float past my desk and down the ailse, in her fresh white shirt and a pair of torn blue jeans. Heads turned as she waved a hello to the left and a ‘how are you doin’ to the right and my eyes followed her till she sunk below my line of sight a few cubicles across. It was like being hit by a tsunami, roaring in my ears and knocking the breath out of my lungs.

I suppose at that age, love at first sight is not unusual, but for me it was a first. At 22, I felt out of place in a big city and still being single, a bit inadequate while hanging out with friends who were all ‘hooked up’ and who seemed to radiate ‘coolth’ quite naturally. I was earning my own money, and being in a relationship seemed like a natural progression and the answer to that feeling of incompleteness.

A week later, I asked her out and after month of moving around in circles, we were a ‘couple’. During that phase of our relationship, I was euphoric 24 x7. Just knowing that ‘V’ was mine, made me feel immortal. Nothing was impossible, nobody could annoy me and all existence was pure joy. We would spend a lot of time together, often to the exclusion of our friends. At the time, nothing else seemed to matter. I had a smile on my face even as I crunched the numbers on my computer. The circle, felt complete.

A circle by definition is a closed loop and does not allow other geometries to infringe. It is without sharp corners, angles and sides.

Of the two of us, she was the more clear-headed and saw it coming before I did. The conversations were repeating themselves and we knew what the other was going to say, before it was said. It was nice in the beginning, but the fact was, that our talk had progressed from being exciting, to being nice.

One day, we had a minor difference of opinion, the kind that either of us would have let slide in the past. Only this time, I chose not to. She sulked for half a day, I apologized, she was eager to make up and we quickly put it behind us ... till it happened again and then again. I noticed that the time it took for us to recover was slowly lengthening. It seemed to me that we were seeing each other’s faults for the first time. I thought more often of my ‘other’ friends. The circle was fast becoming a square.

Finally, we had our first big fight and decided to take a break from each other. For a while, I hung out with my old friends and it felt great to be “free”. I remember thinking, how a few days ago I was happy to spend all my time with my girlfriend, and now I felt relief at being away! Soon however, I was missing her again and we were back together like two pieces of a magnet. Later I thought about the whole cycle and decided to discuss it with her.

She agreed that our relationship needed more balance, with greater space for each other and for our mutual and exclusive friends. We also talked about what annoyed us about the other and what we required the other to do for us.

Thus, began the second phase of our relationship. Its flowed a bit slower and was somehow more satisfying. It brought a deeper, milder smile to my face. It also made me listen more and talk less.

We still had our differences and our share of fights, but knew that it was not the end of the world. I was in love, but less blindly perhaps and more aware of what I liked about her and what I did not. Strangely, it made me appreciate her more, not less. The awareness also made me appreciate other relationships.

In time, I went in for my master’s degree and she moved to another job and another city. We stayed in touch for a time, and eventually decided to move on.

My time with ‘V’, laid the foundation for my later relationships, including the one I have with my wife today. It taught me that love is deeper and distinctly separate from infatuation and the adrenaline rush that one feels at the beginning of a relationship. That it involves caring for and paying attention to, the other’s needs. Most importantly, it means having to respect and value the relationship. To carefully nurture and not to take ‘love’ for granted.

Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

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Samir Kher

I write on history and Geology and create Immersive leraning expereinces in urban and rual India for travellers who wish to dive deeper and understand the people and cultures of the land they are visiting. The expereinces we create are about why, how, who, when and where and are designed to help people discover the magic inherent in discovery.

I am first and foremost a traveler, with a passion for India and its people. My life's work life is an extension of this passion. I have spent the last decade running a community owned eco-tourism enterprise in Kumaon Uttarakhand. During this time in the hills, I got to worked closely with village and forest communities to design new approaches to experiential learning.

Today, I run Deep Dive India, an education start-up which creates Immersive Learning Programs to bridge classroom education with direct experiences in the field.

I currently stay with MY wife and daughter at Lucknow, India.