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How We Keep Our Hope | Comprosition
  • The virtue of prose guides our harmonious composure.

Only yesterday, I cried as my nineteen-year-old cousin, Harry, was lowered into the ground. After three difficult years of internal struggle, it was all over for him. 

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.."

There was a time, whilst in the midst of depression, anxiety and eating disorders, I wondered if death would be where I would find my peace. I simply felt that would be a far better alternative to waking up each morning to the struggle I was living.

The phrase, "what a waste", was passed around a lot at the wake of Harry's* funeral. At first, it angered me. I knew how difficult living in this world could be. I understood if he longed for it all to be over. It was the same reason I tried to take my own life several years ago. 

However, when Harry was laid in the ground, as I stood there in the rain, surrounded by other black figures slumped over in grief, all I could think to myself was, what a waste. I realised that it was all over for him. He would never be able to fix the relationships he broke; he would never experience freedom from his addictions; he would never have a good day again. He sacrificed them because there were just too many bad days, and he wasn't prepared to wait until the storms passed. He was going to miss out on all the sunshine there was to come. 

When we experience tragedy and suffering, it can make us bitter. When life is persistently painful, it can make us lose hope. When we can longer maintain hope, we lose sight of why we live. It doesn't have to be this way though — take it from someone who knows. 

My struggles began at age seven years old, when my family moved house, to a new town. I was bullied as the new kid, physically and emotionally abused to the point that my brain has blocked out much of it. For example, I struggle to remember most of my two years spent in that primary school. The trauma left me with low self-esteem that I carried into high school, and manifested itself into eating disorders, depression and anxiety. I ended up leaving school a year early. Two months after I left school, my friend committed suicide, my best friend turned all my friends against me, and then began dating the boy I had been with. That was the lowest point in my life. 

I then found out she had hacked my social media accounts and had been reading my messages to try and find 'dirt'. Worse was to come though. Within that same week, I was sexually assaulted at my school formal. That was the night I ended up alone, in an ambulance rushing towards the local hospital, after swallowing fistfuls of pills. 

For the following weeks I was bedbound, due to the effects the drugs had on my body. I lay there watching my parents breaking, over and over again, as they tried to process what I had done. It broke their hearts, and with no idea how to deal with it or take care of me, I began to get worse. Although they loved me and tried to fix things, living with them made it hard to recover. 

Eventually, I reached the conclusion that I would end up making another mistake like I already had, if I didn't move out of home. So, I packed a bag and left within one week.

My first house was rented with co-workers. My boss and landlord assaulted me after one month, so I had to quit my job and pack up and leave immediately. I thought I would be homeless. 

Over the next two years, I managed to keep a roof over my head, moving and living in thirteen different places.

I then got accepted into university, and beginning the first semester of my new life, I thought, this is it! Life is finally turning up for me. Yet, after a month I took a major dip back into depression and anxiety. Returning home for Christmas to rest, I made plans to stay with my family for a few weeks. 

Less than a week home, we were driving one evening when a man committed suicide by jumping in front of traffic on a road in the dark. His body ended up under our car, traumatising everyone. There was nothing we could have done to save the man, but we still suffered the shock of what we saw. We lost the car — none of us could bear to look at it again.

Two weeks later, my cousin Harry, was found dead. 

Despite all the tragedy, told in such small detail in comparison to the gravity of the events and the pain it put me in, I realised it was worth enduring for the good days that were to come. Sometimes we are suffering so much, how to keep hope going or focus on the good that we should, or on the things that we already have feels way too hard. Bad things happen. They may happen continuously, but so do good things.

There is a phrase, "if you want peace, you must prepare for war" which is so true in all circumstances of life. Things may not be easy, we may constantly feel at war however, if there is a way to keep hope — focusing on those good seconds, those good days — then that will count for something more. 

Our battles have purpose. They mould us and shape us. The trauma I have recently faced, I could do so with strength and pick myself up with a little more confidence because I could whisper to myself, I've been here before. That's something that not many people can say, so when you bring those words into someone else's life you become their beacon of hope, their light in the dark. When we endure pain, we find so much more joy in happiness. When we endure loss, we find so much more appreciation in what we still hold. When we experience tragedy, we find so much more rest in security. 

We will have both and we will also feel both — but we can choose to what extent they affect our lives. We can choose how we respond to everything that happens to us. Do we let the pain pull us to the ground, where we cannot get up, or eat or sleep and cannot be bothered to care for ourselves, or do we fight it? Do we force ourselves to eat, to open up to others, to seek help? 

Do we respond to pain with routine, and self-care? 

Even more so, how do we respond to the good? However small? Do we spend time rejoicing in the things we have? Do we spend time appreciating the people in our lives? Do we sit and allow ourselves to be content? 

Ask yourself these things, and prepare for your battles. Look carefully for peace, and rest in it, appreciate it, when you find it. When you are knocked down, the pain may hurt all the same, but picking yourself up becomes easier and easier if you learn how to do it right. How to keep hope going becomes your second nature. Talk to yourself in the right way and be open with others — use your voice in order to find rationality and reasoning in the midst of chaos. 

Don't give up, or all you have fought for will have lost its purpose. Don't let it be wasted. Trust me, even in the midst of agony and pain that doesn't seem to end, life is worth living. 

Prepare for a war. 

 

*Name has been changed for respect to the deceased, and his family. 

 

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